I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i need some magic done to my vagina
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
