I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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