If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
