i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
