I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
