the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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