i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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