She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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