How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
