He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
