Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I am midnight drunk by noon
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
