Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
