so explain again why im purple
no
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
