WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
