I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
