Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
