She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
