Define "chronic" masturbator.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
