Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
