I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
