apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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