what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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