i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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