Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
