If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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