wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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