I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
