I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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