woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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