I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
