he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
