You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
