I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
