Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
