I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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