everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
