How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
