dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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