I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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