First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
