if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
too bad you live with your parents still
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
