wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize