i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
