I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
