so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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