Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
