then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
