Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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