we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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