i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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