Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
