It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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