I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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