Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
