Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
