I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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