Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We have started to decorate penises.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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