I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
