woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
